Joylux welcomes guest blogger and sex educator Debbie Marielle Elzea! She is an intimacy specialist for women, psychotherapist, and coach. She endured a decade of sexless, touchless marriage, before creating life changing intimacy with her beloved husband. Her passion is helping women create bliss with the man they’ve got!
Intimate connection and deep sexual pleasure are wonderful for your health, well-being and relationship, so why are they so elusive?
If your intimate life is not all you’d like it to be, you are not broken or alone! Four in ten women have low desire, lack of pleasure, orgasms or pain. Many more wish for deep emotional connection with their lovers, and more empowerment and joy.
Before you decide that what you need is a different lover, or a better body, or just give up…consider that YOU have the power to shift your lovemaking and create what you need. The most important sexual organ a woman will ever have is her brain!
A lot of factors go into pleasure; including these key desires and needs. Which are you most needing? Not sure? Take the Quiz here!
- Knowledge and Creativity
- Confidence and worthiness
- Emotional Connection
- Embodiment (being present in your senses, the moment, and not “all up in your head.”)
Few women received pleasure-based sex education. For instance, do you know that libido, desire and arousal are very different things? That you can rewire your brain to experience more pleasure? That lovemaking releases feel-good hormones that bond you and your partner, and that medications and a stressful lifestyle will zap your desire?
Do you know what kind of specific touch, scenarios or emotions you desire? If you don’t know, how is your lover supposed to know? Read your mind? Wait, you don’t know either!
The sexual menu is vast, but how do you know what you might love if you’ve never tried it? Perhaps you’d like to feel new emotions; maybe cherished, powerful, playful, naughty? Or you’d like to try new themes…passion, romance, spiritual, submission, or something else beyond intercourse.
Worthiness and Confidence
We often receive negative messages about our sexuality, bodies and desires, and then wonder why we can’t enjoy ourselves when we feel guilt, anxiety, or are sucking in our bellies!
To build worthiness, we need to release shame and also keep our spirits and self-love tanks full with self-care and gratitude activities. Often we must give ourselves ‘permission’ to enjoy our beautiful, sensual selves, and celebrate our desires and fantasies! You don’t need a perfect body, relationship, or performance to enjoy pleasure, because confidence and enjoyment are what make you a bliss-filled lover.
Lovemaking with deep emotional connection may be life’s greatest reward. It can be a challenge to create the safety, trust, respect and desire that both partners crave. A relationship riddled with resentment, conflict or insecurity is a turn-off. Many challenges are based upon misunderstandings, often of male-female differences inside and outside the bedroom, and can be resolved with support and knowledge.
Emotional intimacy also means you have the ability to communicate desires to each other, in a connecting, perhaps playful way, Safety and emotional connection enables you to create an atmosphere of “sexual explorers together,” which not only helps you get what you desire, but also futher deepens the intimacy!
Are you distracted by thoughts, judgment, anxiety or chasing orgasms during lovemaking? Unable to get ‘out of your head’ and relax into pleasure and the moment? Mindful lovemaking is key to feeling relaxed and aroused, and it is a practice. Sensation, relaxation and focus can be enhanced through sensuality practices, which use elements of breath, movement, touch, sound and imagination. Guided visualization, breathwork, dance and touch can help you break out of your thought patterns and connect you with your heart, body and sensuality.
Which of these are you needing most in your intimacy? Take the quiz!